Are you the default parent? You are not alone, almost 70% of moms feel like the default parent.

"I am so tired of being the default parent" is something we have BOTH felt at times in our parenting journey.  We have talked to thousands of moms who have struggled with falling into the role as the default parent.  Here are some of our top tips and strategies to have parenting feel more equitable!

How to Stop Being the Default Parent: Reclaim Your Balance

Parenting is a full-time job, but when the majority of responsibilities fall on one parent, it can feel overwhelming and unfair. If you find yourself as the default parent — the one who plans, organizes, and carries the bulk of the mental and emotional load — it’s time to make a change. This guide will help you understand the dynamics of default parenting and provide actionable steps to balance the responsibilities in your household.

What Is a Default Parent?

The default parent is the go-to person for all things related to the kids: appointments, school projects, emotional support, and everything in between. While every family operates differently, being the default parent often means shouldering more than your fair share of the load, which can lead to burnout and resentment.

Signs You Might Be the Default Parent

• You’re the first to be called when your child needs something.
• You manage all scheduling and planning for the family.
• You feel like you’re always "on," even when your partner is home.
• You’re constantly delegating tasks to your partner instead of sharing them equally.

Recognizing these signs is the first step toward change.

Why Does Default Parenting Happen?

Default parenting often develops due to ingrained societal norms, communication gaps, or a lack of intention in dividing responsibilities. Sometimes, it’s easier to take on the tasks yourself rather than argue or negotiate. But over time, this imbalance can take a toll on your mental health and relationship.

The Emotional and Mental Load

The "mental load" refers to the invisible labor of managing a household and family life. From remembering doctor’s appointments to tracking school activities, the mental load is exhausting when it’s not shared equally. It’s crucial to address this dynamic for your well-being and the health of your partnership.

How to Break Free from Being the Default Parent

Shifting responsibilities in a family dynamic takes intention, effort, and communication. Here are five steps to help you stop being the default parent:

1. Acknowledge and Address the Imbalance

Start by having an honest conversation with your partner. Share how you’re feeling and discuss the current division of responsibilities. Use "I" statements to express your emotions, such as, “I feel overwhelmed when I’m the only one organizing everything for the kids.”

2. Clearly Define Roles and Responsibilities

Sit down with your partner to create a list of all parenting and household tasks. Divide these responsibilities in a way that feels fair and equitable. Remember, fairness doesn’t always mean a 50/50 split but rather an arrangement that considers each person’s strengths and schedules.

3. Set Boundaries and Let Go of Control

Being the default parent often comes with a sense of control over how things are done. Letting go of this control is crucial. Allow your partner to handle tasks their way, even if it’s not how you would do it. Trust is key.

4. Use Tools to Streamline Communication

Consider using shared calendars or task management apps to track responsibilities. Tools like Google Calendar or Cozi can help keep everyone on the same page and reduce the need for constant reminders.

5. Seek Support When Needed

If the imbalance persists, consider couples therapy or family counselling. A registered psychologist or online therapy platform can provide a neutral space to work through these dynamics and create a healthier balance. Services like Couples to Cradles Counselling offer expert support tailored to parenting challenges.

How Default Parenting Impacts Mental Health

Default parenting can lead to stress, burnout, and feelings of isolation. Over time, this can affect your mental health, making it harder to enjoy family life. By addressing the imbalance, you’ll not only protect your well-being but also model healthier relationships for your children.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

If the stress of being the default parent has triggered past trauma or emotional challenges, consider exploring EMDR therapy. EMDR can help you process these feelings and move forward with a sense of empowerment. For parents in Lethbridge or across Canada, online therapy options make accessing EMDR more convenient than ever.

Practical Tips for Balancing Parenting Responsibilities

• Schedule Regular Check-Ins: Set aside time each week to discuss what’s working and what needs adjustment.
• Encourage Partner Involvement: Let your partner take the lead on certain tasks, such as meal planning or school pick-ups.
• Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for yourself, whether it’s a walk, a hobby, or a coffee with friends.
• Practice Gratitude: Acknowledge your partner’s efforts to build a positive dynamic.

Why Sharing the Load Benefits Everyone

When parenting responsibilities are shared, the entire family benefits. You’ll feel less stressed, your partner will feel more involved, and your children will see a partnership based on teamwork and respect. It’s a win-win for everyone.

Ready to Make a Change?

If you’re ready to stop being the default parent and create a more balanced family dynamic, Couples to Cradles Counselling can help. Our team of experts, including registered psychologists, specializes in working with trauma, parenting challenges, and relationship dynamics. Whether you’re in Lethbridge or anywhere in Canada, our online therapy options make getting support easier than ever.

Book Your Free Consultation Today

Take the first step toward reclaiming balance and harmony in your family life. Schedule a free consultation with Couples to Cradles Counselling and discover how we can support you. Together, we’ll create a plan that works for your unique family dynamic.

Want more support and strategies, check out our best selling course, Beyond Baby Blues - A postpartum & motherhood mental health course that addresses the things no one wants to talk about, despite them being universally felt. We dig into mom rage, burnout, postpartum anxiety, and managing as a highly sensitive person. Just like our best selling book, we cover it all!